You are One Pathetic Loser

With all the talk recently about how great Boston is as a sports city right now, and being a Chicago fan who is close friends with Cleveland fan, it’s time to show 4 teams from the top 5 losing cities of the last 10 years. (MLB seasons of 1998-2007, NBA, NFL, NHL, seasons of 1997/98-20006/07). There is a chance that there is a city that has more of a losing tradition, if that is the case please let me know. I tried to pick cities with teams in all 4 major sports. Of course, as you’ll notice, there are some stretches the Columbus Blue Jackets being included for Cleveland Hockey, the Florida Panthers and Marlins representing Miami since they both are based in Miami, I think. As for Minnesota, all of the teams are named after the state but again operate out of Minneapolis, I think. And I picked the Cubs for Chicago rather than the White Sox. Buffalo is not included because the Sabres have been decent at times, and there are no other Buffalo teams other than the Bills. I could put the Knicks in there and then pick between the Mets and the Yankees, but neither team is really even near Buffalo, plus New York has professional football and Hockey teams that would make more sense. I thought about including New York but the Yankees seriously destroyed the cities chances in the late 90s. Please let me know if you think that I have made any mistakes with that said, here are the 5 worst cities, in order from worst to best (of the bottom).

Cleveland, Ohio: Home of the Browns, Blue Jackets, Cavaliers, and Indians. Their Total Losing score (which will be explained later) a whopping 229.5. Taking home the worst of the worst, which though a terrible thing to be known for, is also actually a mark for True fans to say look at how bad we are, and I still pay to go to games. I still root with passion. Unfortunately next year when this list is accumulated, I think Clevleland might be replaced by one of the teams lower on the list that is quickly on the rise.

Chicago, Illinois: Home of the Bears, Blackhawks, Bulls, Cubs, and birthplace of most of the US soil Domschke's. Their Total Losing Score a respectable 205.8. Last years Super Bowl run and the 1997-98 NBA Championship keeping them from the top spot, which they should take over next year with the Bears and Bulls keeping alive at the bottom of their respected divisions right now.

Phoenix, Arizona: Home of the Cardinals, Coyotes, Suns, and D-Backs. Their Total Losing Score 172.2. The Cardinals (69.2) and Coyotes (51.9) really did their part to bring down the city but unfortunately for them the Suns have had success, sans title, and the D-Backs have had moderate success with a title.

Minneapolis, Minnesota: Home of the Vikings, Wild, Timberwolves, and Twins. Their Total Losing Score 163.2. It could be a lot higher had it not been for the Moss years for the Nordics, and Garnett’s ability to lead his team to first round playoff losses and 3rd place finishes in the NBA. If I had included this year, the Wolves record would definitely bring down the Minnesota total. Yet another city that could be gunning for the top spot, but the Vikings are Wild Card elligible right now.

Miami, Florida: Home of the Dolphins, Panthers, Heat, and Marlins. Their Total Losing Score a dismal 145.9. Again if we used this seasons numbers they would be much higher with the Dolphins and the Heat both last in their respectable divisions. Unfortunately for Miami the Heat were a playoff team almost every year in a weak conference and they won the title a couple years back.

A Brief overview of the process.

Without getting too in depth I took the overall regular season and playoff records as well as season finishes of each of these teams over the last 10 complete seasons. Successes were subtracted from the total and Failures were added to ensure the highest number at the end was the worst. From there I devised a simple formula and plugged away. Also, as far as hockey is concerned, since we had expansion teams, strike seasons, and rule changes as far as ties and overtime losses. Because of this for the hockey losing percentage it is only counting games with an end result, ties are not included in the final tally (since that is the way that hockey plays the game now). Also, overtime losses are considered losses. So to clear this up we'll take the Blackhawks 10 year record of 269-345-80-44, subtract the ties (80) completely, and add the Overtime losses (44) to the total losses (345). From there the record stands at 269-389. I divided 389 losses by the 658 total games with a decision. And the total was .591, their losing percentage. The formula took all things into consideration.

(Losing Percentage x 100) – (Playoff Appearances) + (Last Place Finishes) – (Championships x 10) – (1st Place Finishes) – (Playoff Series Wins) + (Seasons Not Played x .5) – (Championship Appearances)

And yes, Championships x 10, because if you win it all, that's the opposite of being a losing city. Perhaps that will be adjusted if I get enough complaints.

To Plug in Numbers to show how this works we’ll use the Browns (the highest Total Losing Score of all teams):

(.687 x 100) – (0) + (5) – (0 x 10) – (0) – (0) + (2 x .5) – (0) =
68.7 + 5 +1 = 74.7

Another example, the Heat, the lowest Total Losing Score:

(.431 x 100) – (8) + (0) – (1 x 10) – (6) – (8) + (0 x .5) – (1) =
43.1 – 8 – 10 – 6 – 8 – 1 = 10.1

The Following are the Total Losing Scores for Each Team Involved out of the Maximum 110 (10 straight winless seasons and last place finshes):
Browns: 74.7
Blue Jackets: 68.5
Cavaliers: 49.1
Indians: 37.2
Bears: 51
Blackhawks: 60.6
Bulls: 45.6
Cubs: 48.6
Cardinals: 69.2
Coyotes: 51.9
Suns: 22
D-Backs: 28.5
Vikings: 33
Wild: 53.2
Timberwolves: 34.8
Twins: 42.2
Dolphins: 36
Panthers: 58.6

Heat: 10.1
Marlins: 41.2

I guess It's true what they say. Cleveland really is the Mistake by the Mi-lake...for now. And I just gotta throw in the new Cleveland motto...Believe-land.

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Wanted: QB

Chicago: (def n. : A Drinking town with a football problem)

The Bears need help. The Bears need a lot of help, in a lot of positions. The Bears have started the collection of Rex Grossman, Brian Griese, and Kyle Orton. The Bears NEED a QB. My suggestion would be the man pictured at the right. In case you don't recognize him, it's Handball legend and former NFL Quarterback Jake Plummer. The Bears need a starting caliber QB and none of the 3 they've trotted out this season are that. The Bears need a QB who can win games, not just keep the team in it until the Defense or Devin Hester pulls them out of it. Jake Plummer had a unique ability to manufacture wins when the games were close and in the waning minutes. He was an instinctual quarterback who needed someone to build an offense around his playing style instead of vice versa. I'm sure he's a pretty cheap acquisition. Trade Griese or Orton straight up for Plummer's rights. He's been in shape playing some serious handball, he left beacuse he wasn't starting in Denver. He can start in Chicago. He still has at least a couple years of good football left in him.

Besides, the man had some great facial hair. Or they could go after Drew Bledsoe and then find a QB in the late rounds or not draft one at all. The NFL rule states, find an unknown talent, pick him late or not at all, let him study under Bledsoe for a season or two, and you have a franchise quarterback. Don't believe me ask the fans in New England (Brady) or Dallas (Romo). Backing up Bledsoe must be the key to learning greatness at the QB position. Just a couple of thoughts.

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Kyle Orton to Return on Monday Night

Chicago Bears Head Coach Lovie Smith reported today that Kyle Orton will be starting next Monday Night in Minnesota. Orton hasn’t thrown a regular season pass since his 5 completion 59 yard performance against the Vikings nearly 2 years ago to end his rookie season. The 4th round pick came off the bench to help lead the Bears to an 11-5 record his rookie season replacing oft injured/embattled starter Rex Grossman. That 2005 team was led mainly by a staunch defense and grinding running game with Orton trying to keep the Bears alive, and ultimately being replaced by Grossman vs. Atlanta in the division clinching Sunday Night Game with 2 weeks to play. Orton led the team admirably through his first 15 starts leading the Bears to a 10-5 record. Grossman, who started that season like the 2 before it as the teams starter who went down early to injuries, played in 3 of the remaining four games showing glimpses of the future with a combined total of 2 TDs 3 INTs and QB ratings in the 40s 50s and 60s. We shoulda seen it coming. In contrast Orton had an above average season for a rookie quarterback amassing 9 TDs and 13 INTs (5 of which coming in his terrible performance at Cincinnati). Orton was pulled for the fan favorite vertical passing game led by Grossman that has since self-destructed on multiple occasions since. Meanwhile Orton has stayed in the background through the back and forth of mediocre at best Griese and bi-polar Grossman who can’t decide if he wants to have a QB rating above 80 or below 50 (rarely falling between the two). With this season as good as over, and Grossman ready to re-up in the off-season, why not see what Orton can do. If he is equal to Grossman, and perennial back-up/starter/back-up Griese is still signed, why pay Grossman’s fee for a continually embattled made of glass QB. Orton could be the shot of adrenaline this team needs going into next season. Not that I’m putting that much confidence in a man who has looked like this before. But still it’s a nice chance for him to display that he can do something, and could make this offseason a lot less stressful for the Bears front office. Not to mention I can't even count how many times I have looked exactly like that before, either one with or without beard, Lowest Common Denominator would have to be that beautiful bottle of Jack Daniels in at least one hand. And yes, sometimes standing on a bar.
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Who's #1: '85 Bears '07 Pats

Now it has been said, many times over the last 20 years, that the 85 Bears were the best team to play the game. And those ranking shows/articles/whatever that don't have them at number one have consistently put them in the top 3. With an 11-0 record and the fact that this team is destroying everyone, the 07 Pats are coming into that debate. I think it appropriate to analyze these two teams to determine once and for all based on many different factors which team was better.

One thing to consider is a bigger league with more players means lesser competition for these ’07 Pats to go up against, as well as training room quick fixes and techniques that get players out onto the field faster, and miss less time, and a changed game revolved around explosive offenses rather than stout defenses. And that is without mentioning the substance problems associated with many of today’s players, sure there were illicit substances in the locker rooms in the 80’s but it wasn’t HGH it was in the form of fine white powder.

First the position by position matchups:
Head Coach: Bears, No argument necessary but Ditka did it without a telescopic lens.
Coaching Staff: Bears, Buddy Ryan was a great defensive coordinator, he engineered the unstoppable 46 defense.
QB: Pats. McMahon’s QB rating in ‘85 was 82 and change, and Brady’s about to set some serious passing records.
RB: Bears, Payton and Suhey were dangerous, and you could probably add Perry in this category. Maroney has 2 TDs on 105 carries, “Fridge” had 2 TDs in 5 regular season carries.
OLine: Bears. They protected McMahon and led Payton to over 1550 yards rushing.
WR: Pats, come on Randy Moss when he wants to play is as good as anyone in the game right now. And though Willie Gault was a world class sprinter and averaged over 21 y/c, it’s no contest, not to mention that the Bears leading receiver was Payton with 49 receptions.
TE: Bears, Moorehead and Wrightman combined for 59 catches and over 15 y/c, NE’s Watson has more TDs but a lower y/c and he is in a pass happy offense.
LB: Bears, Samurai Mike is in the Hall, Otis Wilson should be and if Wilbur Marshall wouldn’t have been slowed by injuries he was on pace for a HoF career, the three combined for 20 sacks in 85. I love former Kitty Kat Tedy Bruschi but I don’t think he’ll be in the Hall anytime soon, and no one really fears or game-plans around the Pats Linebackers.
DLine: Bears with a slight edge. Mongo McMichael was the originator of the quick Lineman, “Fridge” was one of the biggest to play the game at the time and he still managed to run a sub 5 second 40, and who can forget this years HoF inductee and SB XX MVP Richard Dent who had 17 sacks that season.
DB: Bears, Gary Fencik led the storied 46 defense out onto the field and Lesley Frazier had 6 picks on the year, the Bears DB’s had 20 INTs total. The only Pats DB anyone knows is Rodney Harrington and it’s because of his involvement with HGH.

The Bears Defense was #1 in points allowed, held teams to a 47% comp. rating, allowed only 22 total scores (16 passing, 6 rushing), just over 6000 total yards and were #1 or 2 in 7 major defensive categories, including 34 INTs. They also made it through the entire post season giving up 10 total points, all 10 in the Super Bowl rout and 7 of which were off of a turnover. And who can forget they went through opposing quarterbacks like that one girl at a Frat House.

Their offense wasn’t the most potent they were only #2 in points scored, #1 in 3/4 top rushing categories, and scored 44 total TDs on offense and 16 INTs (5 of which belonging to the backup Fuller).

The 2007 Pats (with 5 games remaining) have already allowed 21 total scores (15 passing and 6 rushing), 3400 yards, and a 60% pass completion rate. They have 16 INTs and are ranked 8th or lower in 7 major defensive categories.

The Pats are a dominating offensive force this season there is no doubt. They have put in 51 TDs with 5 games to play, and are just under 4900 yards for the season. They rank in the top 3 in 6 major offensive categories and #1 in 3/6 passing categories.

But many of those points have come in the waning minutes of a blowout game while the Pats are running up the score, where as when the Bears where winning by large margins they were not trying to set records. And the ’85 Bears were missing their staring QB for 3 games, I doubt the ’07 Pats would be nearly this successful without their GQ coverboy.

The numbers don’t matter, everyone can look at this astounding offense that the Pats are fielding and give them a lot of very deserved credit but when the chips are down that Bears defense would have eaten Brady’s lunch, and the Colts proved this season that if you get to Brady you can rattle him by picking him off twice (half of his season total). Plus their running game is so rusty from Maroney never seeing the field that the Pats would never get anything going. The Bears offense would definitely struggle against the Pats defense, but stopping Payton just would not have happened. The ’07 Pats are allowing over 4 y/c and that isn’t to anyone of Walter Payton’s status it’s to Cordell Buckhalter and Jamal Lewis. This game would be a first half slugfest but the ‘85 Bears would quickly take over.

The last thing to consider is environment, since Chicago and New England aren’t the nicest places to play in February this game would be in a very neutral territory and everyone loved the ’85 Bears, they were brash, fun, popular, and even recording artists. No one outside of New England likes the Pats and most wish their demise. People loved Ditka and hate Belichick.

The Bears would win this game, they’re Grabowskis.
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