The Battle of Wits - NFL Pregame Sportscasters

Every Sunday, I roll out of bed - usually hungover and confused - at around 9:30 a.m. I stumble out of my room, dragging ass to the fridge to quench my post-boozing thirst. I then flip on the tube - is that even a legitmate statement anymore? - and I'm reminded of the NFL games which are lined up to begin the laziest day of my week. Laptop on lap, remote in my left hand and typing with my right, I usually message my still-dormant friends about their teams opportunities or lack there of. It's ten o'clock now and I'm trying to figure out which games are on, on which channel, and at what time. But while waiting for the game to show on television...I have to sit through the pre-game show. Sometimes painful and other times, holy painful. It's time to pit these powerhouses against one another. Let's do the CBS lineup v/s the FOX lineup and the NBC Sunday Night lineup v/s the ESPN Monday Night line up. This isn't about who has the best guests, or the most hosts, or who vomits the most stats - it's how well these "teams" entertain on a haggard Sunday morning.

CBS v/s Fox
Well the CBS lineup is larger boasting atleast five every week with NFL alums Dan Marino, Boomer Esiason, Bill Cowher, and Shannon Sharpe, who is lead by the All-Ivy League 1970s basketball player James Brown. Fox shows an impressive three-man front with Howie Long, Terry Bradshaw, and Jimmy Johnson, with a few flankers that are brought in for weekly picks. Now even though Bradshaw and company are lacking in numbers, the sheer dryness and lack of character shown in the CBS team brings their five-men to a manageable and competitive level. Now CBS does have the NFL rights for the year of 2007 so, they do have an edge for broadcasting some of the more competitive and exciting games - mainly AFC - but Fox is not that far behind having carried the NFL baby through the last couple of years. In comparison, Bradshaw is funnier, more colorful, and has more super bowl rings than the CBS quarterbacks (Marino and Esiason) therefore trumps them. Jimmy Johnson older, wiser, and again has more Super Bowl Rings than Cowher, therefore - trumped. Finally, Howie Long is not retarded and more articulate than Shannon Sharpe, however Sharpe has more Super Bowl rings than Howie. So I'll give this one to Sharpe, because you can teach annunciation(however i don't know if that will do anything) but Super Bowl rings are a bit harder to attain. Now what about James Brown? Well, he's like a Cam Cameron - He's supervising but not really doing anything - therefore null and void.

Win: FOX

NBC v/s ESPN
The two prime time, big-name programs NBC's Football Night in America and ESPN's Monday Night Football. For NBC we have Bob Costas and Keith Olbermann flexing power as the hosts of the primetime countdown program. Costas showing his humor and Olbermann with his "Olber-time" and sarcastic comments through out the air time. They then pass - haha pun - the program to ex-NFL receiver Cris Collinsworth who is joined by Tiki Barber and Jerome Bettis. Lining up for the ESPN side the countdown is anchored by the immortal Chris Berman. Joining him are loud-mouthed Keyshawn Johnson, Emmitt Smith, Chris Mortenson, Tom Jackson, and Bill Parcels. This is a tough one seeing as how the caliber of contenders is much greater. Smooth running shows without awkward pauses or random extended tangents, not to mention seasoned sports veterans Berman and Costas. I could go without hearing Olbermann's quips every week - stick to Political announcing boss - and I definately could go without hearing Keyshawn Johnson yabbering about how tight he is. But when it comes down to it, I'm picking ESPN due to the veteran casting of the Swami, the combination of Super Bowl rings, and of course The Tuna.

Win: ESPN

Or we could've just settled this with an Anchorman style rumble...no commercials no mercy.
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Random musings in between sales calls

...a few random thoughts:
Ohio State, do they really have a shot if they play LSU or even Oklahoma? Or are they going to make it in because of tough schedule (Illinois and Michigan still lying in wait) just to get trounced again and they start looking like the Buffalo Bills?

On a related thought, with the Tribe out again, in heartbeaking fashion, and if the Buckeyes go back and lose in the title game again, will that cause suicides throughout Columbus and other reaching parts of Ohio that mirror Heavens Gate? Will black Nike runner shoe sales skyrocket in Feb. after the game, and White PJs (too soon for a heaven's gate joke?)

Let's look at the last few weeks of college football, 5 of the top 10 lose, then 4 of the top 10 lose, then numbers 1 and 2 lose, it's like a cruel formula that's starting to add up, like the college football Gods were just finding a way to ruin college football pools across the country and in turn ruin gambling for a nation of young future gambling addicts.I can't get over it, 10...TEN...top 10 teams have lost to UNRANKED opponents this season, and 6...SIX...times it has been on their own field.

If you could pick one sports reporter/anchor/color guy/analyst etc to do the play by play of your life and capped off with highlights at the end of the night who would it be? I think Kenny Mayne would have to do my highlight real, as for the play by play does it get any better than Keith Jackson, just imagine, Schilders has something important to tell Domschke, she moves in WHOA NELLY she's pregnant, I did not see that coming. Or doing the play by play for one of our beirut games, Fighting through his own mistake of knocking a cup over we're in the 2nd overtime, this is a barnburner here tonight. I wouldn't mind them throwing it to John Clayton to debate my good and bad decisions along with any updated injuries, while just waiting to see if his head actually falls off one day, and then the eventual top 40 highlight show with Chris Rose and Spider Salley.

Is Brett Favre overrated, and I'm not just saying this as a Bears fan, yeah he's the all time touchdowns leader (it took him longer than Marino) but he's also the all time INT leader (and it took him less throws than Blanda), he's in his 78th season and he still throws passes like that one to Urlacher a couple weeks ago, he makes TERRIBLE decisions. And he really needs to retire, I think he's the Emmit Smith of QBs, good but not as great as everyone thinks. Just wait until he's in Arizona, mark my words they went after Montana 12 years ago before he went to KC, they have Warner, and we can't forget Emmit Smith. The Cardinals, really do have the greatest front office, they want the stars but can't afford them, until they're too washed up to play anywhere else then Bowtie Bill (Bidwell) opens the door to overpay them. It's amazing. I heard Howie Long just signed a three year deal in AZ to make a comeback.

Why are my teams always in contention for the overhyped, extremely overpaid players, ARod constantly in Cubs talk, Kobe again re-entering into possible Bulls Uni, Why break up Deng, Gordon, Tryus or whatever ridiculous combination it would take to make this deal, I'll eat crow if he comes and we win a title but didn't we all see how much of a team player he is and the Bulls are the quintessential team. And ARod is a little more understandable, we'd only be getting rid of a lot of money not players, but didn't we struggle enough in October as it is, why not go after a guy who gets better in October, the only benefit to this is seeing a Cub shatter Bonds' *h*o*m*e* r*u*n* r*e*c*o*r*d*

Every week we're getting closer to hearing "and with the 7th pick in the 2008 NFL Draft the Chicago Bears select Brian Brohm, in another QB failure to add to the list, or Darren McFadden, to continue with a longstanding tradition of Heisman winning or finalist running backs or quarter backs to have their career start and end in Chicago, Darren have you met Rashaan Salaam and Curtis Enis yet? Or Brian let me introduce you to Cade McNown and Rex Grossman. They sell programs across the street. I think they'll have an opening in 4 years.

Is it too much to ask to be this guy in 30 years http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=3062376

Is this what it feels like to be Bill Simmons getting paid while just writing thoughts on sports and life? Of course I'm not getting paid by ESPN, my musings really aren't that insightful or funny, and no one else is reading it, but still, yeah not really that close, just wait till I do a running diary, that'll show em.

Is it March yet?
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God help us...

... A phrase that was uttered...well actually written by my buddy Tanner. It was in regard to an expected addition to my family. Sarcastically (I hope) but I figure it has a more global meaning than he originally intended.

Kevin Garnett's a Celtic...A white guy has been the NBA MVP 3 years in a row...a Canadian and a European...The Colorado Rockies are in the World Series...South Florida was number 2 in the college football polls...5 top ten teams lose one week, 4 the next, and the number 1 and 2 the following week...there is a chance there will not only be a one-loss team in the National Championship but possibly a 2 loss team...sports are upside down all over the place.

The worst part of it all is that not too long ago ESPN and various other news reports discussed sports during their nightly airings. The biggest sports stories were streaks, records, scores, individual performances on the field. Now I listen to sports radio on the way home from work as they discuss the daily Police blotter. The pages of ESPN or FoxSports consist of Pacman Jones "making it rain"...gunfire, and a bouncer at a Las Vegas club will most likely never walk again. More people know the intricate details of that story which ocurred months ago at NBA All-Star weekend in Vegas (a reason Las Vegas should never have a professional sports team) than about the amazing story of Kevin Everett of the Buffalo Bills who began walking last week with assistance when just over a month ago he was in critical condition following an awkward hit in Buffalo's opeing game. These are the off field stories I want to hear about. As much as I rooted against Nebraska in the mid-90's it's hard to forget some of the memorable performances from Lawrence Phillips, of course, all I think about when I hear that name is him throwing his girlfriend down a flight of stairs. The sports magazine TV shows have court reporters and legal correspondants. This is preposterous.

If you make a league minimum (depending on the sport) you make more in a year than I do in 15 at my job, and good for you, the rule is if you can get them to pay it, then you're worth it. I take a cab or walk when I've had too much to drink, why is one of my favorite players, Lance Briggs (Chicago Bear and UA alumn) crashing his Lambo into a tree at 3 AM and fleeing from the scene. You can afford a cab, even with the Franchise tag limiting your funds so. Over a decade ago, when things were different there was an athelete who was ridiculed by some and praised by others for his now famous quote, "I am not a role model". At the time Chuck was a monster on the floor, and twice as brash off of it. I wish we had more players like Sir Charles around today to be role models. Where was Reggie Miller during the Artest "Malace in the Palace" melee a few years back. He wasn't in the stands. He wasn't throwing punches. He was old school, and he knew his place. People are cracking back on Roger Goodell saying he is being too harsh with these players. Maybe Tagliabue should have done something a few years ago so this wouldn't be happening with as much frequency. Children look up to sports stars, all I wanted to do when I was a kid was "be like Mike", like it or not athletes are raising our kids, along with the rest of popular culture, and we need more positive action from them. We need to get rid of this gangsta culture prevalent in todays sports.

One of my all time favorite quotes from a short-lived TV show, Sports Night. Spoken by Casey McCall:

"Look, I got into this because I like getting people to like sports. And I've turned into a PR man for punks and thugs. And any atrocity, no matter how ridiculous, or hideous, or childish, it doesn't matter. I make it sports. Ten-cent bagman whacks a skater's leg with a crowbar, that's sports. Second round draft pick gets cranky in a Houston bar, and that's sports. And let's not forget the mother of all great sports stories - a double homicide in Brentwood. "

Where's Bo, he knew things, he wasn't on the Police Radar (unless it was an ambulance taking him to the hospital after another hip injury or Cops playing Tecmo at the station), Where's Larry Legend playing HORSE with Michael and Earvin (Magic), Who remembers Lil' Penny or Mars Blackmon telling us it's gotta be the shoes, what happened.

Sports used to be about sports, sports facts used to consist of Batting Averages, Field Goal Percentage, and Yards per Carry. Now sports fact consist of suspensions, HGH, and prison sentences.

I'm supposed to raise a child to love sports as much as I do in this culture.

God Help Us.
More after the jump...