Tuesday, December 18, 2007

The Battle of Wits - NFL Pregame Sportscasters

Every Sunday, I roll out of bed - usually hungover and confused - at around 9:30 a.m. I stumble out of my room, dragging ass to the fridge to quench my post-boozing thirst. I then flip on the tube - is that even a legitmate statement anymore? - and I'm reminded of the NFL games which are lined up to begin the laziest day of my week. Laptop on lap, remote in my left hand and typing with my right, I usually message my still-dormant friends about their teams opportunities or lack there of. It's ten o'clock now and I'm trying to figure out which games are on, on which channel, and at what time. But while waiting for the game to show on television...I have to sit through the pre-game show. Sometimes painful and other times, holy painful. It's time to pit these powerhouses against one another. Let's do the CBS lineup v/s the FOX lineup and the NBC Sunday Night lineup v/s the ESPN Monday Night line up. This isn't about who has the best guests, or the most hosts, or who vomits the most stats - it's how well these "teams" entertain on a haggard Sunday morning.

CBS v/s Fox
Well the CBS lineup is larger boasting atleast five every week with NFL alums Dan Marino, Boomer Esiason, Bill Cowher, and Shannon Sharpe, who is lead by the All-Ivy League 1970s basketball player James Brown. Fox shows an impressive three-man front with Howie Long, Terry Bradshaw, and Jimmy Johnson, with a few flankers that are brought in for weekly picks. Now even though Bradshaw and company are lacking in numbers, the sheer dryness and lack of character shown in the CBS team brings their five-men to a manageable and competitive level. Now CBS does have the NFL rights for the year of 2007 so, they do have an edge for broadcasting some of the more competitive and exciting games - mainly AFC - but Fox is not that far behind having carried the NFL baby through the last couple of years. In comparison, Bradshaw is funnier, more colorful, and has more super bowl rings than the CBS quarterbacks (Marino and Esiason) therefore trumps them. Jimmy Johnson older, wiser, and again has more Super Bowl Rings than Cowher, therefore - trumped. Finally, Howie Long is not retarded and more articulate than Shannon Sharpe, however Sharpe has more Super Bowl rings than Howie. So I'll give this one to Sharpe, because you can teach annunciation(however i don't know if that will do anything) but Super Bowl rings are a bit harder to attain. Now what about James Brown? Well, he's like a Cam Cameron - He's supervising but not really doing anything - therefore null and void.

Win: FOX

The two prime time, big-name programs NBC's Football Night in America and ESPN's Monday Night Football. For NBC we have Bob Costas and Keith Olbermann flexing power as the hosts of the primetime countdown program. Costas showing his humor and Olbermann with his "Olber-time" and sarcastic comments through out the air time. They then pass - haha pun - the program to ex-NFL receiver Cris Collinsworth who is joined by Tiki Barber and Jerome Bettis. Lining up for the ESPN side the countdown is anchored by the immortal Chris Berman. Joining him are loud-mouthed Keyshawn Johnson, Emmitt Smith, Chris Mortenson, Tom Jackson, and Bill Parcels. This is a tough one seeing as how the caliber of contenders is much greater. Smooth running shows without awkward pauses or random extended tangents, not to mention seasoned sports veterans Berman and Costas. I could go without hearing Olbermann's quips every week - stick to Political announcing boss - and I definately could go without hearing Keyshawn Johnson yabbering about how tight he is. But when it comes down to it, I'm picking ESPN due to the veteran casting of the Swami, the combination of Super Bowl rings, and of course The Tuna.


Or we could've just settled this with an Anchorman style rumble...no commercials no mercy.


Dom said...

You realize you made a HUGE mistake right? You didn't need to go so in depth in the NBC/ESPN debate. It's simple NBC has Cr...wait it doesn't matter ESPN has Ditka, case closed, ESPN in a landslide. Da Coach never loses, at anything.