Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Every Time I Turn Around

Between my personal life, The Dirty, the streets of Chicago and television I find myself surrounded by douche bags. Lets break it down.

The Wanna- Be Player:
This has to be my absolute favorite. These guys over do everything because they really don't know what is up. They come in 2 parts: Old and Young.

The Old Man Wanna- Be Player:
For example I was on a rooftop pool on Sunday and a 50+ d-bag with a Crisitano Ronaldo tan was sitting two chairs away- he's alone, drinking Miller Lite, living at an apartment building made for those of us under 25, talking on his cell phone about how he "got laid" last night. Obviously he wants everyone to know that he's still got it, this situation got even better when his friends showed up and started rating every girl at the pool. Play on player but keep your over tanned, beer guted, 50+ body away from me. While we're at it put out your cig, once you're over 26 smoking is no longer cool and you're just a douche with a high cancer probability.

The 25 Year Old Wanna- Be Player:
This is the most entertaining.They usually wear everything trendy, sometimes have a goatee. They have to comment on everything and be the center of attention at all times. They update their Facebook 47 times a day change their profile picture every second day. Their Facebook status is either self gratifying or updates you on what they're doing.They talk to every girl they see not to get laid but to impress other guys. They don't do drugs but if you ask them for some they can get you whatever you want.. from their friend. In reality women could out drink them, out smoke them and definitely out play them.

The Older Ex Douche:
Slade Smiley I'm talking to you. Any respectable woman would punch you in the face- You gift the most expensive items, Louis Vuitton, Gucci a new Benz for sheer wow factor reactions. But an LV bag isn't anything anymore, any broke 30K millionaire can rep one... haven't you heard of Bag,Borrow or Steal? Your new show has just pushed me over the edge and makes me want to punch you in the face.You frolic around LA being a "manager".... to Jo-news flash player everyone in LA is a manager, and also stop dressing like a French immigrant- wheres your 3 piece suit or are you over that now?

The Arrogant Ugly Douche:
Suede from Project Runway your ears should be buzzing right now. You talk about yourself in the 3rd person. It's the 3rd week. You're not Santino, you're a douche.

The "Rich" Douche:
"I work at insert financial institution here , I'm buying my own house and just got a insert expensive car here , do you want a drink". Absolutely not you're, a 30 K millionaire just like me- I can afford my own drink.

The Bro Douche:
Afflication T-Shirt, Spy Sunglasses, Roid Rage, Over Tanned, Spikey Hair, Plaid Shorts, Beach Lingo 24/7... usually from Scottsdale Arizona. On a side note- these douches; if they do decide to have a relationship date the equivalent female douche. That article is coming shortly, be excited.


WhiteJordan32 said...


The "bro douche" was my favorite because I see so may of them. Got the appearance perfect for them